Of late the silence has been a little deafening; my silence on sobriety, and the relative silence in my head. My lack of output in this blogging forum I have created for my sober journey has been nagging at me daily over the last few weeks. But I'm wondering if I'm starting to run out of things to say. My urgency, or need, to work through my thoughts and feelings on quitting booze, by writing about it, has certainly waned.
Have I reached the point where writing about it no longer helps me work through things, but only serves to stoke up temptations and negative thoughts?
I'm not saying I'm sorted, because after 241 sober days, I'm know I'm just a child. But I have seemed to settle into a patch where I no longer think much, if at all, about alcohol. Apart from the odd fleeting temptation, I no longer have any desire to go back to being a drinker. I'm just living. And I guess that's what I wanted all along. Not to have it occupy every thought, take up too much energy.
I recently went on a 40th birthday party, in the form of a bus tour around the garden bars of rural North Canterbury. It was an all-day affair followed by an after party at the birthday boy's house. With a driver for the day and a bar-tab provided at each venue, it was the perfect recipe for indulging without restriction. The old me would have binged my merry way throughout the day and night and ended up a sloppy mess and a very sorry boy the next morning. The new me drank a couple of Cokes, something approaching my body-weight in water, and even a mid-afternoon coffee (which didn't go unnoticed not that I cared). The host's wife was concerned I wouldn't have, or wasn't having a good time being surrounded by all the drinkers, however her fears were misplaced. I had a brilliant day, filled with much lively conversation and the observance of some truly spectacular bus-aisle dancing. At the end of the night I drove my wife home and at 7am the next morning we got up and went on a hill walk to make the most of our kid-free morning. I have mentioned several times in this blog, and to anyone who asks how the sober lark is going, that I cherish my mornings these days.
Waking up with a clear head and energy to sustain me through the day NEVER gets old.
I think it's a good thing that I've settled into my sobriety, despite having nothing much to write about at the moment. I feel lucky that it's not a daily struggle for me. I'm not marking time till my year is up and I can drink again (if I choose). Whether I drink again (and this is unlikely) is largely irrelevant to me now. I'm grateful to be experiencing a sober lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. You can't gain perspective on it while you're still drinking. I'm proving to myself that I can live, easily, without alcohol. I've debunked all the myths about alcohol that I used to believe; that it helps you have a good time, that it makes you more social, that it helps you deal with stress, that it makes you happier, that it's part of life so there's no other option than being a drinker, that it helps solve life's problems.
Anyway, before this turns into a unstructured rant I'm going to sign off.
I just wanted you to know I'm still here, I'm still sober, and I'm happy.
There's just nothing much doing (which is a good thing right?).