All Things Will Pass

All things will pass. I know this, but I am afraid. Usually I'm in control of everything, but right now I feel like I control nothing. I feel like I'm slowly stripping myself back, but I am plagued by uncertainty about who I will be when I rebuild myself. Will I still be me? Do I even know who I am? Will things ever be the same again? Do I want them to be?

At the moment simple tasks are difficult; making breakfast, shaving, picking an outfit, making small talk. Making simple decisions has become a complicated business. I've just returned from a walk to the supermarket. My hands trembled slightly as I scanned my three items at the self checkout, and I stood paralysed when the machine commanded me to key in the code for the cous cous. I was just about to take positive action when the supermarket attendant moved in to help me. I miss my old sharpness and, till it returns, perhaps I should give the self checkout lanes a miss. Everything is taking me longer. I used to be able to rely on my punctuality but now I am finding myself hopelessly late for things and the more worrying thing is it doesn't seem to bother me (though I did get stressed out when I got stuck in traffic and was late to school pickup yesterday).

I have felt anxiety bubbling every time I've had to go out in public. For me it's just a simmering feeling of unease and uncertainty. It feels like all my nerve endings have been woken up and are standing to attention ready to riot. My breathing gets very shallow. Going to preschool yesterday was difficult (I resigned as Service Provider on Friday as part of the de-stressing process). For some reason being there was a trigger.

People have been popping in to visit. My parents ring every day, and my sister called from the UK this morning. Contact is good. It's nice to be able to talk. Today a good friend dropped off a cake she had made on behalf of the Preschool Board. People care, and it feels good.

I received this email from an overseas friend:

_________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry to hear you have been through the grinder and I really hope you will find stability and harmony again - you deserve it. I'm so pleased that you didn't use the alcohol crutch when it might have been the natural "comfort" to ease the pain temporarily. That is a major achievement for you and a blessing for your family.

You have been very brave through all of this, even though you probably did not feel brave. I have great admiration for people who are beset by these "invisible" illnesses. It is much easier to get support and encouragement when you break an arm or a leg than it is when you are struggling and there is nothing visible to show of the struggle.

You are blessed with a beautiful family - imagine the titanic challenge for someone who is in a home where there is constant discord and tension. They have the deck doubly stacked against them in their chances of being restored.

Cheering for you from across the ocean - you will climb this mountain, in the same way as you have become Soberman365.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________


I actually am glad I am at the stage of my sobriety where alcohol holds no appeal. I never even thought of drinking to 'help' ease the depression, because I knew it wouldn't help. I want to recover as soon as I can not sabotage my efforts.

As the anti-depressant medication builds up I hope things settle down and I start to feel better. There are signs some emotions are returning. Yesterday I felt frustration for the first time since last Friday (damn non-indicating drivers!!!). There are flashes of sadness, and flashes of joy. I have also felt very stiff and sore in my legs after my last couple of runs. I never really get much muscle pain from my running so I'm guessing it's the medication. I joked to my wife that it felt like I had four groins and they were all strained.

I am worried at the moment that my wife is taking on too much to take the pressure off me. I am determined to rest well now but start to contribute more. My youngest child is heading north with her grandma to visit family tomorrow. This will take some stress away but the next 8 days will be by far the longest I've ever been apart from her.  My daughters' arms around my neck is a great medicine. I'm going to miss her.

Tonight I'm going to see some friends for a monthly catchup. Tomorrow I will be doubling my medication. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Early Days

In the last few days my life has changed so dramatically I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to the way I was, or whether I want to. Since being diagnosed with depression on Friday I've stripped back most of my responsibilities in order to focus on getting well again, as soon as possible.

I've started on anti-depressant medication (Venlafaxine) and things have been so up and down. I don't know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next (this will settle down as the doses build up and my body adjusts). There's no general pattern to my emotions, and nothing dramatic. It's more subtle than I imagined. Mostly I have felt generally flat, with frequent bouts of anxiety or fear. When the tears have sprung forth (which tends to happen in the morning) they haven't been precipitated by anything sad, mainly by a feeling of hopelessness.

Since Friday I haven't felt frustrated, or angry or sorrowful. I think the numbness is the scariest thing. For any of you who have watched rugby with me, you'll know I'm so invested in the result and I get so worked up and emotional it's like I turn from Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde. It's lucky the referee's can't hear me shouting at them. But on Saturday night I watched passive and emotionless as one of the most gripping games of the season unfolded between my Crusaders and the Hurricanes. I just didn't feel anything. It's like a whole range of highs and lows have been swept away leaving me feeling lost somewhere in the middle.

I think the biggest change is that I now accept I am depressed, and am no longer struggling to hide it or deny that it is happening. As my counsellor said this morning: "You can't be half pregnant." You either are or you're not. Letting go of the control I had, even down to taking a break from most of my usual daily tasks, has been a huge adjustment. My wife took Monday off to take the kids to school and preschool, and we spent the day together. We walked alongside the ocean in Sumner and had lunch and talked about everything. I am so lucky to have her unconditional support. She has taken a huge amount of pressure off me, but I'm conscious I don't want her to overburden herself. As I recover I'll build things back up.

I have really focussed on engaging with the kids these last few days. I'm concerned that they're okay and, while they know I'm not well at the moment, they are happy and coping well. That makes me feel better. I love those guys so much.

My mind feels a bit scrambled at the moment, which is actually making writing coherently a bit of a struggle. On Monday I popped into the bank to deposit a cheque, and after some confusion, worked out I was in ANZ rather than Kiwibank. I tried to order lunch in Sumner and told the waitress three seperate things before I remembered which dish I had actually decided on, leaving her a little confused. This morning I lost my keys (which usually never happens to me). When I finally found them I couldn't find my phone which I had just put down to find the blimmin' keys! I know this will all settle down in time. My counsellor has encouraged me to just relax and not take on too much in the next week or so.

I haven't lost my sense of humour. I am lucky to be fit (running helps a lot). I am staying connected to friends and family (support is important). I'm open about what's happening to me, because there's nothing to be ashamed of. People aren't ashamed when they get the flu after all. My wife and children are incredible. I AM going to get better. I think I will be better, and more empathic, human being for the experience.

I feel this blog is quickly transitioning from the subject of sobriety to mental health. So be it. The two are connected in so many ways. I had planned on finishing writing when my counter clicks over to 365 days next month, but I feel compelled to continue as I work through this depression. If you'll have me for a bit longer.

Dropping the Facade

My last post (read here) was born from confusion and desperation - an attempt to explain and understand my struggles of late. Yesterday morning, I cried, vented and listened my way through my appointment with a very caring and professional psychiatrist at Christchurch PsychMed. My greatest fear was that she would say I was fine and send me on my way. She told me I ticked every single box for clinical depression, and talked me through the medication I will likely be taking for the next 6 - 12 months.

We talked about how I felt giving up alcohol had made it harder to squash my feelings down and regardless of whether it precipitated tipping me into this depression I didn't regret it for a second. I will say again: ALCOHOL WILL NEVER HELP WITH ANYTHING EVER. She agreed with me, but added that for people with anxiety it does work in the short term - as the alcohol gives immediate relief - but never in the long term. Alcohol is a "toxin", she told me (as I nodded in complete agreement).

The sleeping pills she prescribed sent me into the deepest sleep I've had for weeks. I needed it. Even after I woke up I lay in bed with a blank mind for the first time in forever. But now the facade has dropped. It was such hard work keeping how I was feeling hidden, and I no longer have the energy or will to keep the veil up (which is a little scary). This morning I struggled to make my toast and pour my coffee and just sat alone at the kitchen table with tears streaming down my cheeks, for no reason and every reason - my kids laughing and playing in the other room.

Yesterday I stepped down from my role of responsibility on the board of my daughter's Preschool. These people have become like another family. I felt torn between feelings of letting them down, and knowing I needed to take pressure off myself and look after me. I met with the head teacher who I had confided in earlier in the week, and she was amazing. I confided in a couple of friends late yesterday and they have been incredible, one sharing her own experience. The more you talk about these things the more you find common experience. I know I am far from alone. I'm lucky to have so many people around me who care and understand.

While my world is grey at the moment, my beautiful kids, my incredible wife, and my friends are providing me some light. I picture their faces and it provides me some relief.

It's funny how in the early days of my sobriety I poured out blog after blog of how I was feeling, several a week. Lately I've been lucky to have the inspiration to write one a month, but now I feel the need to rush to the keyboard and rationalise everything I am feeling in print. It seems to activate a part of my brain and helps calm me and ground me in a more productive reality.

I told my psychiatrist I was never going to drink "ever again" , especially now and her reply was a simple: "Good!"

Even though for a few fleeting seconds you think it will be the answer to all your problems, it isn't.

Right. I literally have 3 minutes till I need to take the kids off to swimming, and despite how I feel, life must roll on.

The Man in the Mirror

At all times writing this blog has been very much to help me and also, hopefully, to help you. I have tried to be as honest and open about the struggles of giving up alcohol and as positive about the triumphs as I can. In recent months I have felt the need to share my thoughts here less and less as I've become more settled in my sobriety. I don't know if this has been the right thing, but from a writer's perspective I can only write if I have something to say.

While alcohol in no longer occupying my mind, the absence of it as a my go-to, fix-all, coping strategy, has left me somewhat naked and exposed. A post by Mrs D on Living Sober recently about how quitting booze is just the start and the importance of the work you have to do afterwards, resonated with me a lot. Mrs D is often talking about how without booze to squash things down you have to face life, and your emotions, raw. You can't avoid it any more.  

My last post talked about quitting alcohol being the "best decision of my life", and it is, but in the last few weeks I have felt very lost, culminating in a break down of sorts. I don't know what else to call it. I revisited my counsellor at the end of last week. I began seeing her after I landed in hospital with a full-blown panic attack last year (my first), but haven't been since last December. She helped me through that difficult period, but since then feelings of anxiety have frequently bubbled to the surface, triggered by one uncomfortable situation or another - a racing heart, shallow breathing, a shakiness and a feeling of loss of control.

On Friday I tried to explain how empty I feel at the moment, how I lack energy, how miserable it has made me feel. I told her that my mind has been racing - a swirl of mainly negative thoughts - and how exhausting that is. I told her how when I finally burst out crying I felt bereft and desperate, my shaking hands reaching out for my phone to email her an SOS. During my crises I explained to my wife how I was feeling and in the same breath how guilty I felt about it because by anyone else's measure my life is pretty sweet.

I hate labels. Problem drinker. Depressive. Obsessive compulsive. Perfectionist. Optimist. Pessimist. They try to jam you into a specific box but most things in life are far more grey. For as long as I can remember, I have ridden a rollercoaster of ups and downs, not really knowing if I were actually depressed or just suffering the same peaks and troughs as every other person. I still don't really know. Deep down I felt there was something going on that wasn't right, but I've never known what to call it. I see now that I have suffered, am suffering, and perhaps it doesn't have to be that way.

My counsellor says I have probably battled anxiety all my life, and looking back I agree with her. I have definitely used alcohol to cope with social anxiety. Fear of failure is another big one for me, and I know I don't hold the franchise on that. I've wasted so much energy on it, it has at times hampered my enjoyment of life.

But the good news is I have options. I have enrolled in a Mindfulness Works course next month. My counsellor says many of her clients have benefitted hugely from it. I'm about to see a psychiatrist to assess whether medication could help. And I'll keep seeing my counsellor. It has already helped talking about it all, reaching out for help. My wife has been incredible; taking the pressure off me this weekend by looking after our kids, being supportive, truly understanding, worrying about me, loving me. She's my best friend and always will be.

I caught up with an old friend a couple of days ago, and he told me everyone has a "cross to bear" and that "everything will pass". I know I will be alright, because I'm prepared to work on it. I know that life is good. And I know that someone like me will never be helped by alcohol.



 

The Best Decision

Overnight my sober counter ticked over to 300 days. It seems like a lifetime ago when I had my last drink and went to bed with Day 1 ahead of me. My wife was out for dinner, and a running friend popped over briefly. We talked about my next event and shared a glass of red wine before he left. I still remember sipping on the wine knowing it was my last. I can remember the dregs of my half-drunk glass washing around the sinkhole.

In the months leading up to the day I quit I was shaky, uncertain and scared. Over years I had slowly come to the point where I knew I needed to do something. It had finally come to a head. I was mostly scared about whether I would miss alcohol, because I thought I needed it. In some ways I used it to define who I was in certain situations. I was always the first to offer guests booze. I don't do that anymore. I would always rush to the bar to get enough booze into me to navigate social situations. I don't need to do that anymore either. I eagerly waited for dinnertime, especially Fridays but often any day, so I could take the top of a rigger of cider and take the edge off a stressful day (or celebrate a good one). That never happens now. I deal with the stress and revel in the good times without alcohol. I've found this to be a far healthier way to live. I no longer have to stock up on booze at the end of the week, worrying that I haven't got enough (because running out would really not be worth contemplating).  

In the last few days I've been reflecting on how different my life is now - how different I am. Materially things are still pretty much the same, but things have improved in some very important ways. I've got a much clearer sense of who I am. Self confidence is an amazing thing. I dwell less on my limitations. I accept that I'm not perfect and I wouldn't want to be. I have a very strong sense of pride which stems from having successfully given up booze and which is now spreading to every part of my life, and to those around me. My physical and mental health has improved. I'm far more even tempered. In the past I've often been slightly frustrated and dissatisfied (at everything and nothing, but mainly with myself). Now the frustration has ebbed away and I'm just getting on with life with all it's ups and downs. I'm just taking life as it comes on my terms.

You can't truly understand these things until you've taken alcohol out of the picture and had time to feel and see the changes. That's the perspective I wanted when I started on this journey, and it's a true gift. Earlier on, I was worried about whether I needed to give up at all (still stuck in denial about how unhealthy my drinking was), but now that question is totally irrelevant. Why would I ever go back?

I can't think of another decision I've made in my life that's had such a profound effect for the better. For that I'm very grateful.  



     

Holiday Mode

I have family visiting from overseas at the moment. I haven't seen them in a few years so it's been a great chance to catch up. We've had a couple of days in a rented house in Hanmer so everyone has very much been on holiday mode (which, for them, has included drinking alcohol of course).

The last few days have revealed to me how far I've come in all the ways that matter to someone who is trying to give up alcohol in our booze soaked world; being around alcohol and drinkers and not feeling tempted or that I'm missing out, not feeling self conscious about being a non drinker, not feeling the need to talk about it or justify my non drinking (it just is what it is, no more no less).

It hasn't been a booze fest by any means for my whānau, just a few drinks over the afternoon and evening, or with lunch as I used to do on many a Mount Maunganui family holiday - a relaxing time away. There were no drunken antics in Hanmer. Far from it. But alcohol was very much along for the ride, part of the scenery. In a lot of ways, being around my family members as they enjoyed a wine or a beer put a mirror up to my own past drinking (or the times I was able to enjoy it in moderation at least).

It's interesting to me these days that I find being around alcohol and drinkers makes me not want to drink again. It's only in the unguarded moments when appealing thoughts of drinking might seep in. The reality of seeing drinking is another thing. At lunch at a winery near Hanmer, when my wife smelled the bouquet of her freshly-poured Pinot and exclaimed how beautiful it smelled, I asked for a sniff too. These days, alcohol smells like diesel to me. The spell is broken for me.

If I think back to my first uncertain days of sobriety to how comfortable I feel now in my sober skin, I feel grateful I have been able to ride the ups and downs. Any real change takes time to bed in. The key to it has been starting with a solid decision. Everything that went before, every drunken episode, every hangover, every drinker's regret, steeled my resolve to walk away from it and try something else. That "something else" has been a true gift. Drinkers can't imagine how good it can be living sober, but every drinker can find out if they want to. I certainly never thought living sober would be so positive for just about every aspect of my life. I was scared about giving up alcohol because I thought I needed it. I thought I would be wasting my life without alcohol to make it better.

I thought so so wrong.

I don't tend to give advice in this blog, but if there was something I'd say to you it would be to persevere through your uncertainty. If you are thinking of trying your life without alcohol, do it and see where it takes you. If you are trying to quit but battling a crippling temptation to drink again, sleep on it and make a decision when you are in a different frame of mind. You'll almost certainly feel differently in the morning. Don't give up. One day you will be in a place where alcohol holds no appeal or power over you and you will thank yourself for holding on through the stormy weather.

The Future

It's always in the unguarded moments, the times when you are the most relaxed about life or focussed on some other pressing matter, that thoughts of drinking again creep back in. 

For months on end I've opened the fridge and ignored the bottle of wine in the door, till last week when I lingered and I thought of all the 5pm moments of twisting the top open and pouring a hard-earned splash of chardonnay or a crisp, refreshing cider. I've been sober for 259 days now and I'm starting to think ahead to how I will celebrate day 365 - the end of my initial challenge to myself to go without alcohol for a year and change my relationship with it, forever.

I've been pretty staunch in my thinking that I will probably carry on with my sober life, because I know if I drink again I risk slipping slowly back to the way I used to drink. But just lately hairline cracks have been appearing in my thoughts around alcohol (Alcohol isn't all that bad if I drink responsibly. Alcohol isn't completely evil. You used to love it. You can handle drinking again, because you know you can stop again if you want to)

I met a fellow sober warrior on my way to pick up my daughter from school last week. She says she was sober for a couple of years but had gone back to drinking occasionally, which had been going okay. I had already been thinking about drinking again after my year is up so it was interesting timing to run into her.

Is this why I am feeling a little disconnected from Living Sober at the moment? There are a lot of people on there who are trying so hard to kick alcohol out of their lives forever and here I am thinking of turning my back on sobriety on a mere whim. Even though we all have to do what is right for us, and only we truly know what that is, I feel pressure not to disappoint others.  

When I started out on this journey I leant heavily on the experience of those further down the road. I imagined being where they were someday, notably Mrs D (her strength, enthusiasm, wisdom and encouragement were hugely valuable for me in the early weeks and months). When I was thinking about quitting booze, there were two friends from university I noticed had posted about their sobriety on Facebook. One was marking five years sober and the other eight years. They were extolling the sober life and appeared strong in their resolve to never drink again. I wanted to be like them. 

Now that I have the tools to live this life on my terms, and not have to rely on alcohol to navigate the inevitable stresses and hard times we all face, I'm letting thoughts of going back to the old way inhabit my brain. Perhaps I'm starting to realise what an pervasive force alcohol is in the world - in all of our lives, whether we like it or not? 

I know quitting alcohol has enhanced my life, and the lives of those around me. I know I'm healthier and happier. I know I'm calmer (generally). I know I have a greater sense of who I am and who I'm not. I know my self esteem and confidence has increased. I've developed better coping and social skills without the crutch of alcohol. 

So why am I thinking about going back to the old life?

Maybe you can tell me because my usually logical brain can't make much sense of it.